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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  September 5, 2014 7:26pm-7:58pm PDT

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captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: hey, welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. good show tonight. adam levine of maroon 5 will be here tonight. the mid-term elections are coming up. it's like that moment you're about to smell vomit but you haven't yet vomited. almost every incumbent will win their race, especially in the house, which means all eyes are in the senate. will the democrats retain control? [audience member screams] [laughter] obviously someone in the audience tonight not familiar with the rhetorical question. perhaps so comfortable they feel they can just yell out, not
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realizing this time i can hear them. well, the democrats are in control. we don't know. it's the subject of tonight's democalypse 2014: it's all about that base. what will happen if republicans recapture the senate? the stakes are stunning. >> if the president loses the senate, he will have both houses of congress working to stop him. >> gridlock will be epidemic. >> jon: oh, no, grid lock will be epidemic in washington. that's like saying the internet will been inundated with porn. traditionally mid-terms function as a referendum for the president. how is the president's population affecting the race? >> the administration's policies are simply wrong. >> mr. president, it's clear, you have no idea how this affects kentucky. >> i oppose president obama's gun control legislation. no one from new york or washington tells me what to do. >> i'll make sure president obama gets the message.
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[gunfire] [laughter] >> jon: well, i had no idea the white house had such an accessible, uh, acme company-like off switch. seems like a weakness in our nation's electrical grid, not to mention an inconvenience for the president. how many times are you sitting around the house trying the read something and, d oo h! you know, these republican attack ads are just getting sillier and -- i'm being told the candidates in those ads are democrats. but even though democratic candidates are throwing the president shade, that isn't stopping him on working on their behalf. >> in colorado the president showed up for a fund-raising event for senator mark udall. well, mark udall was nowhere to be seen. >> jon: oh, that stings a bit, but if you think you're going to
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shame obama by not wanting to be seen with him in public, the man has two teenage daughters. [laughter] i think he's familiar with the concept of being shunned. dad, can you not president just one time in front of my friends. please. yeah. that's a pitch perfect impression. >> among the democrats running from obama, kentucky senate candidate allison grimes up against mitch mcconnell. mcconnell has a lot of strikes against him. he's the face of republican obstructionism, a stalwart for big business and he sounds exactly like this, "i sure would like... i sure would like to be elected for my sixth term." [laughter] hold on!
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"yep." that's exactly how he sounds. but grimes isn't without some skeletons in her closet. >> grimes' father has become an issue, too. he owns hugh jass burgers in lexington. >> jon: that's right. hugh jass burgers, a kentucky staple just around the corner from another famous kentucky establishment, e. norma's weiners. that one's not real. so her father owns a waggishly punned establishment. how bad can that be? >> the menu includes abby's hugh jass, name after his daughter abigail, and charlotte's rack, a reference to barbecue and his wife. >> jon: my goddaughter's tater tits, aunt sophie's crusty muffin. i hate my family. [laughter] so one of these candidates is associated with a disreputable association that flaunts its
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contempt for women, and the other has a dad that owns hugh jass burgers. boom! what if your opponent's dad doesn't own a hill lairly is named fast food joint. you could go with mark pryor's strategy against his opponent tom cotton. >> tom cotton voted against preparing america for pandemics like ebola. >> he was the only one to vote against children's hospitals. >> my opponent is pro ebola and anti-baby. well, that certainly has to be the most prejortive and accuse or the ad in the senate race, you would think. if you didn't live in alaska. >> alaska turned ugly. the democratic senator criticized his republican challenger dan sullivan. >> i want to show you a crime scene. >> i don't know how long dan sell van lived in alaska, but as attorney general he left a lot of sex offenders get off of life sentences. one got out of prison, broke into an apartment building and murdered a senior couple.
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[laughter] >> jon: dan sullivan is like a one-man, law and order s.u.v. plot generator. svu obviously not s.u.v. s.u.v. would be just a guy in a truck. [laughter] you try and read. how can a guy like that even dare to run unless, of course, there's some mitigating circumstances that due to the time constraints of that campaign ad was nom included that may shed some exonerating light on sullivan. >> a clerical error was s to blame. >> so i guess it appears sullivan had nothing to do with it, but i guess that's for the voters to decide. what's sell haven't's take on the race? >> millions of dollars of negative ads are flooding into alaska, paid for by washington special interests. pretty soon you're going to want to do this to your tv.
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[laughter] >> jon: or you could turn it off. [laughter] but that's your choice, alaska. you can vote for a guy what lice in his campaign ad or his opponent, the weird guy down at the edge of town who shoots his appliances when they displease him. toaster. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause]
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>> jon: welcome back. it's september. you know what that means. it's september, the whiff of fall is in the air. football is back. you're probably watching it right now. and this: >> all across the country, schools are reopening to find thousands of illegal immigrant children in the classroom. >> jon: oh, my god, there's thousands! how are they going to fit all in one classroom? i hope they're at least using some type of bunk desk. >> the costs are mounting. now so are the health concerns. some of these minors have been exposed to chickenpox, tuberculosis. >> strep throat. >> measles. >> lice. >> swine flu. >> let's talk about scabies. >> let's talk about scabies was the worst salt and peppa song ever ♪ let's talk about scabies let's talk about you and me ♪ let's talk -- [laughter]
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so we're looking at a possible toddler pandemic. let's say one of these kids did manage to smuggle a germ across the border, what then? >> they're not being released into the community at large until they go through a thorough screening and they're vaccinated. >> let's not worry about the facts. the important thing is immigrant children are scary, in fact, immigrants in general. we sent our own michael che to investigate. >> since late last year over 50,000 immigrant children from war-torn central america arrived on our southern border, reigniting a national conversation about our immigration policy, or to put it more simply -- >> we're under invasion. >> invasion of illegal immigrants. >> this is a government-sanctioned invasion of our country. >> jim gilchrist, founder of the minuteman project. >> it's a covert, essentially a trojan horse type of invasion into the united states.
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>> these are children, right? >> yes, they are the vanguard of a much, much larger invasion which will lead to the demise of our nation as a global economic power. >> children? >> yes. but they are not coming here to kill. >> they're coming here to color. >> sure, if they want to finger paint, sure, but they can also do that in their homeland. >> that's right, they're after american finger paint, so he's organizing a new border offensive starting next may he's calling operation normandy. >> what we're going to do is man every porous area along the border from san diego, california to, brownsville, texas. >> if this is operation normandy and the children are invading us, wouldn't that make us the nazis? >> the reason i named it operation normandy was to show how large this event will be. >> i just think there are so many good wars out there that
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you could have made an announcement. why not the alamo? it's right there. literally. >> but amazingly, amelia maradonovich actually welcomed these invaders. >> what we're trying to do is offer protection to these children who are fleeing. honduras is the number-one murder capital of the world. >> you're teaching them to run every time somebody's trying to murder them. >> that's exactly what you should do. they are fleeing war and violence and persecution. >> i don't think they're war zones. i think most of these children coming here using those executions are lying. they've been versed on how to do it. tell them you're a political refugee. tell them that gangbangers are trying to kill you or save me america. >> it's either that or they're really just refugees. >> yes. they could be refugees or they could be part of the... >> giant, elaborate plan? >> right. >> but even if they are legit
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refugees, jim understands these central american children pose a unique threat to our nation. >> as the latinization of america continues on, you'll see spanish equal to english. they will have the influence over who is going to become your dogcatcher, who is going to become your -- it will be just like china. you'll see history books probably rewritten where the alamo never existed. that's a bunch of balder dish. hispanic gangs, black gangs and now white gangs, too. >> no? >> yes. >> not white gangs? so who would be stupid enough to welcome in people like that? >> the obama straying is asking vermont to look into the possibility of housing some of those kids. >> but it may be too late. it turns out vermont has been taking in these alamo-denying, dog-catcher electing refugees for 25 years. when i visited this goat farm run by refugees who came here
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decades ago, i was met by a terrifying gang that didn't even speak english. dear god, the people of vermont needed operation normandy more than ever. >> operation normandy? sounds like they're invading. they're not invading. they're looking for a better life. >> this is about refugees sneaking into the country and lying that they're coming from war-torn countries when obviously they're not. >> how do you know they're not? >> you can just tell. i can just tell. they just wouldn't listen. >> i'm a refugee here. >> you're a refugee? >> yes. >> listen, i don't want to buy any drugs. >> okay. >> just saying. while this person can't come in because of their color or their race. >> no, not because of the color or the racer because of where they're from and their color and their race. >> why would you want to stop somebody from having a better life? >> because they're trying to have it here. >> if you can get god the sign that, everybody else will. >> if i could get god to sign it, i wouldn't be here. i'd be on "america's got
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talent." i now understand how hard it is to get people excited about these children. >> we're not the same country we were 40 years ago. >> we used to hate immigrants. now some people are actually helping them. >> it's unfortunate. throughout history there have been children in one country who could not get to another country. we're all going to die some day. we can't stop that. i'm not giving a death wish on these children coming here or the illegal aliens. i'm saying that there's some things realistically you cannot stop >> i'm just going to continue to not say anything and watch you be uncomfortable. >> it might sound tough, but i call it tough love. >> so i guess we're just waiting on the love part to kick in. >> michael che.
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my baby was born two months early and weighed only 3 pounds. this is the view i had of her in the nicu. my tip to you is: speak into the opening so your baby can hear you better. (announcer)you can quit. for free help, call 1-800-quit-now [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight is the front man of maroon 5. their brand-new album is called "v." please welcome adam levine. [cheering and applause]
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first of all, relax. [cheering and applause] i don't want you to be intimidated by my looks. i want you to relax. >> thank you for saying it. >> jon: you're very, very welcome, sir. how are you? you are the busiest man in show business that i'm aware of, putting out a new album, you're hosting "the voice," you're being in the movies, you got married. is this the most whirlwindish of times for you? >> it's pretty crazy. it's so much fun, and, this by the way, i'm super excited about. [cheering and applause] my mother's obsessed with you. my wife is obsessed with him. my band is obsessed with you in a creepy way. >> jon: here's what's crazy, i apparently have the wrong person on my show then. where are all... i've been obsessed with you sin kara's flowers. do you remember kara's flowers?
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>> i do. it was a long time ago. >> jon: no, look at the picture. that's you. >> wow that. is me. >> that's you from kara's flowers back in the day. was that the band from high school? >> we've been playing since high school. look at my ill-fitted tie. >> jon: i believe, if i'm not incorrect, that was the style back in the day. >> it was very '90s of me. >> what happened is a guy who works here, he went to high school with your little brother, and so he actually just had that picture in his cubicle. >> that's totally cool. >> jon: that's totally not weird. >> that's not totally creepy. >> jon: are you enjoying being part of "the voice." what's being part of "the voice." you're a rock star. you're out there every night, people are cheering. television is a grind. nobody likes you. the people comment on the youtube. [whistling] exactly. what made you want to do that?
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>> honestly, it turned into this thing and it started off as just a risky, weird idea that mark burnett, i don't know if you ever met him, mark burnett is very convincing. >> he's the producer of "the voice." >> he's the producer of every show. >> jon: "survivor." >> he's like a megaproducer of the world. he's like, you got to do this, it's great. he's really enthusiastic and english and other things, too. >> jon: what other things? >> it's like an all-over-the-place accent. he's a really excited, energetic dude. he hates me now for doing this. but he was convincing. and the show was a great idea. the concept was cool. i thought, why not? it can't possibly be huge. it will be a year and it's been like three years, seven seasons. it's just unbelievable. i think honestly, and you can tell you have fun doing what you do, and i think that if you have a good time doing it or at least most of the time, it's a blast. if you're having a blast and
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you're having fun and messing around and it's good and it's really rewarding to work with these guys trying to make it... >> who are the new guys, two new cast members? >> gwen stefani and farrell -- which is awesome. >> jon: it's a good season? >> i always say it's going to be the best season ever and this is our best album ever. >> jon: i'm going to put this up here. it's called "v." i'm going to guess it's your sixth or seventh album. >> it's our fifth album. >> jon: that doesn't make any sense at all. what keeps you together? what keeps a band together. there are many stresses that pull people apartment you have gotten an awful lot of attention individually. what keeps the band together and still collaborating well? >> i think that stability, you know, and kind of being
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fearlessly kind of wanting to just try new things, because i think a lot of times bands especially, we get stuck in our ways and we want to do things one way and we continue to do that. we've been in that position with our careers before, too, but we started being open to doing things differently and trying new styles and new sounds, which we also get persecuted for by our fans, but i love them, but we'll do what we want to do, and that will be great. you know, over ten, 20 years, you have to kind of change it up a little bit. i think that all of our favorite bands have always done that. so trying new things,. >> jon: have you really been together ten to 20 years? >> that photo, in that photo, there are three of the guys in the band since we were 12 years old. >> jon: that's amazing. >> my boys. >> jon: since you were 12 years old together? i bet somebody's got some photos in a shoebox that... >> some really embarrassing photos. >> jon: i would imagine so. now, are you calling it "v" or
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are you calling it five? >> here's the thing, here's the deal, i don't even really know anymore. it's maroon 5, it's our fifth album, let's call it something. then it was v. then it was 5. i forgot. everyone's question is what is it. i've been confused. >> jon: you really just go where they tell you to go. >> you know what, whatever you want to call it. >> jon: maroon 5. their new album is in stores now. they're going on
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like the subway club. hey, jennar fuzz mike trooawwwwww scram!g... i'm crust mike jubby roll bond chow gonna lean up an kiss bet. peas charty get town down. [laughter] ♪ borf a liver tute face stummy wag ♪ pow pam sha-beeps stella nerf berms. saxa-nay nay? badumps a head. temexiss gurrin. juppa left. fluppa jown! brone a brood. what? catch up on what everyone's talking about with the x1 entertainment operating system. preloaded with the latest episodes of the top 100 shows. only from xfinity. >> jon: that's our show. so listen, there are very few people in my business that you could say are or were actually ground-breaking talents. joan rivers was one of them. unfortunately she's passed away. we send our very best out to her family. we're all thinking of you. anyway, here it is, your moment of zen. >> a girl can't call.
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girl, you have the wait for the phone to ring, right. and when you finally go on the date, the girl has to be well dressed. her face has the look nice. their hair has to be in shape. the girl has to be the one that's bright and pretty, intelligent, a good sport. howard johnson's again, hooray, hooray. captioning sponsored by comedy central [exciting music] ♪ [opera music] ♪

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